Oh but the Friendzone is a beautiful struggle, hey. It is an alluring pain and it can get it, right? A venus fly trap that you either buzzing bug-eyed to get into or get out of. Some people say they are not really bothered by the FZ phenomenon and don’t understand the ‘sudden’ hype. I, for one, believe that there are no exceptions to the being in the FZ. The fact you believe in it, or not, does not change its existence. Personally, I believe the Friendzone vs. ‘Normal’ Non-committed Relationships thing is like the sociology version of the chicken and the egg. Or the colour Orange or the fruit Orange.

In the previous post, I covered a few different types of FZ’s. The nasty kind. FZ are, however, also very necessary in life. Convenient, especially, when both parties know when they stand. With some kinds of FZ’s we’d all be a bunch of carnal animals really But, not all is lost brethren. Not all FZ’s are bad. *crowd roars*. Friends, some FZ’s can be glorious in their construction. One, in particular, comes to mind.

THE ADAM AND EVE FRIENDZONE
The FZ was the first type of relationship known to biblical man. Just like Adam and Eve, you two have been friends since the Big Bang. Joined at the rib cage. Seemingly, oblivious to each other’s funny bits. The thought of hitting that never even crossed your mind. Then, one day, ONE MOMENTOUS day. She says, “wanna have a bite of my fruit?”. Then the man Adam rose to the occasion. Both of him. The Guava was eaten. Behold, the Genesis Nut. Fellas, can you imagine the first nut that was bust by mankind? The nut that birthed all of us? Can you? Ladies, can you feel it?

But let’s look at other matters concerning FriendZones. There seems to be some misunderstanding that only guys get FZ’d. On the contrary. Many a woman have found themselves between a rock and a FZ. The perception is that the FriendZone is a male-dominated sport
played by women. The reason for this is that the guy FZ isn’t a fully fledged industry like the female one. The variations are also limited. Basically, single guys have few types of relationships with women: his female ‘boys’, then there’s chicks he’s banged, those he’s banging and those on the hit list (to paraphrase James Dean). Yeah, yeah I’m perpetuating stereotypes and there are decent dudes out there. Yes, guys aren’t always looking to get laid. Not always. That’s how the male FZ came about.

But, the thing about FZ’s created by guys is that the thing tends to backfire. Thirst blurs lines and hunger sees many try to cross burnt bridges. The truth is that guys don’t like FZ’ing women simply because we know women hate being ZN’d. Apparently, it messes with yo’lls ego and stuff. Also, statistically (meaning I’m guessing), low-self-esteem-having-chicks put out a lot more. Ladies, correct me if wrong but, you love being wanted, right? Not necessarily sexually. You want your sensual feminine qualities acknowledged and treated with the due care, no? If yes to all, then imagine you find yourself in a situation where a male friend down right fist bumps you on your shoulder when he cracks up over a good joke. Will this not leave you touched? Will he not
need to be reminded that you and him are not the same? So, you see ladies, men, being the vestiges of care that we are, would really not like to FZ any woman. Pre-coitus.

Now, there are usually two questions that rattle around a guy’s mind when face to face with a FZ. 1. Which FZ am I in? 2. How do I get out of it? While the former is an easy calculation, the latter
harbors the bones of many a dude who failed to find the answer. One thing leads a man willingly into a FZ. Hope. Hope that one way or another something will come out of it. She could be the one. Or two. And it is Hope that will knife him in the back. Truth is, I have no idea how you get out of it. It’s trial and error. Keeping in mind the old adage that assholes get laid and good guys get
FZ’d, there’s a difficult and tricky choice to make. On the one hand, the quickest way to f* out of a FZ is to through absolute douche-dom. Jerk McDick vibes. The downside of this is that all doors are shut and chastity belts tightened. To pull this off without flinching, one needs obese gonads and a very long list of FZ’d contacts. Unfortunately for the good guy, the exit out of the FZ is completely up to her. You see, Stedman, she’ll decide how the entire play is acted out simply because you too nice to play the lead. Instead of iSterring, you are now sidekick. Like that yay high dude on the Monique show.

The best thing one can do when it comes to these things is to be upfront from the get-go. Prevention is better than cure. A lot of emotion is spared when a woman bounces you on the spot after you make your intentions clear. Maybe there’s another way, look her in the eye and tell her your name is Adam and you’d like to be her friend. Godspeed.

Disclaimer: My knowledge about FZ’s isn’t entirely based on personal experience. Assumptions and gross generalizations have been generously made. Some sh*t I know, some I don’t. Most have been gleaned from other peoples’ encounters and liquored convo’s with my fellow man.

Writer: Vus Ngxande     Photographer: Khumbelo Makungo