Vat & Sit

At what point do you and your person decide to take the leap into shacking up together? Is it a natural progression for any “committed relationship”, I use this term loosely, for it to ‘end’ in shared amenities?

I’ve been having this conversation with a couple of people throughout the week and I think it’s a 50/50 split between those who are for it and those against.

In the left corner…
Folks who are for a “vat & sit” talk about the benefits of being able to see your +1 daily. It builds a stronger relationship especially if the whipped pups see holy matrimony somewhere down the line. You are able to really get to know a person besides their Facebook updates or tweets about #TheySleepWeGrind typed from snug blankets. I would imagine that the bulk of a relationship happens within a mundane day to day stuff instead of staring in each other’s eyes the whole time. It happens during the unspoken moments, the not-so-romantic stuff like grocery shopping and smelly feet. I suppose you get to really know the negative stuff and you have a chance to decide to if you can live with them or if they should just miss you that.

In the right corner…
Those against say that it creates an illusion of marriage, especially in relationships that function well. Many in this corner tend to use religious reasoning to make their point, allowed. What’s also been said is that it makes couples complacent and they end up taking each other for granted. Dude gets lazy and doesn’t tend to his woman like before. Sister starts going to the shop in her pj’s. It’s actually a sad sight, seeing a couple who no longer feel the need to impress each other. So, staying separate, apparently, allegedly, keeps the fire burning. Also, trust is a different ball-game between people who stay together and those who don’t. You are expected to trust more when you don’t stay with a person because most of their time goes unaccounted for. You only know what they choose to tell you. Whereas, those who stay together, well, you know work is only 20 minutes away, why TF are you back an hour later? But, on the other hand, you have to suffer lonely bed syndrome. When you so used to have someone in bed all the time, a woman will still have those days where she’s folded nicely like an okapi in the blankets, buddy boy and his Excalibur are out at Stones, pulling out. She just has to deal. Nje.

We do have to keep in mind, however, that the number of people getting married is gradually declining. I believe it is a direct result of more and more people staying together before marriage. You can look at this is two ways; 1. Those who do end up getting married have basically passed all the ‘tests’ in order to graduate into marriage and will have stronger, longer lasting ones, 2. Staying together fast-tracks or compresses marriage life into a brief period thereby leading to relationships reaching their expiry date far quicker.

Relationships are far more disposable than they used to be. It’s far easier to chop and change than before. Also, hook-ups are getting more and more strategic executions. As we get older, relationships become more circumstantial. A trade of some kind. I have security and comfort; you have appreciation and respect, so wassup mah, let’s do the damn thing? Note that I have not mentioned “love” anywhere. So shacking up gives the opportunity to test drive these qualities.

Will vat & sit lead to marriage? Apparently, this is what ladies want to know most of the time. The answer? I don’t think anything ‘automatically’ leads to marriage. People have been known to get married 2 months after they meet. Also, how long is too long? A friend says it’s the woman who should put a time limit to it. I suppose it’s because marriage or more specifically a wedding is, in essence, about the woman. A guy WILL get lazy. A woman WILL grow complacent. You are also more likely to hit it raw more often.

Moving in together only after marriage also increases the chances of a whole lot of very, very awkward situations. In the long term shing-ding, it’s really the small stuff that gets in the way. And there, there’s no “Opt Out” after 3 months. There’s too much invested in this venture. I think this sometimes forces people to stay together in spite of the fact that they don’t get along. Be that as it may, personally, I think it’s really up to you.

Writer: Vus Ngxande