Well, you see I have a lot of male friends. In fact, I can count the number of female friends I have on one hand. I’ve always been drawn to men. Even when I get to a mixed group of people, I always find myself gravitating towards the men. I find women strange and rather full of issues. Men, on the other hand, can come together as strangers, have a meaningful conversation and leave not even knowing each other’s names, but having had a great time. But women would rather stand in a corner, miserable the whole night, than mingle; but here’s the funniest bit, they all have opinions of one another – and 90% of these aren’t even positive. Now, some of my male friends are, rather hectically metrosexual, and almost overboard about it.

They have the ultimate female tendencies; to the point where they make me feel like less of a woman. The full cleanse, tone and moisturise bunch. The “I wear pink and I think its hot” bunch. The “I get my hair done once a week” bunch. The “I get my nails done” bunch. The… OK, I think you get the picture. This got me thinking. The dyna-mics of society today have changed. I think the men of today really need some rules as to how to be men amongst women. Basically, these would be the (until-now) unwritten rules for the modern man.

 

1. THOU SHALL NOT BE MORE FEMININE THAN I AM

Now this rule has to be the first because it’s the most obvious. I’m all for taking care of oneself, but brother, I should not walk into your bathroom and feel like I’m at a Clinique counter. Your bathroom should not be more colourful than my entire house. That really makes me wonder about your sexuality, no matter how good the sex is. Anyway, women will always try to convert you, especially if you’re a good man, so give her something to work with; don’t come too perfect.

2. THOU SHALL NOT KNOW  MORE ABOUT WOMEN’S MAGAZINES THAN I DO

Honestly, I don’t think you’d be impressed if I kept throwing stats about men cheating, taken from your FHM. You’d think I was weird. So please don’t read too many women’s mags. It stops being cute after a while.

3. THOU SHALL NOT WEAR TIGHT JEANS

In a nutshell (excuse the pun), I don’t care how expensive those pants are, I might wanna have kids someday and you constantly squashing that dream is not only uncomfortable, but unattractive. Skinny jeans are meant only for women, not men. They look nasty, too, I can see your nuts for goodness sake! Trust me, I’d rather not share them with the rest of
the world.

4. IT’S OK FOR ME TO PAY THE BILL, REALLY

If I ask you out, it really is OK for me to pay the bill. This shouldn’t make you feel as though I take you as any less of a man, but as someone I’m comfortable enough to be myself with. So if I offer to pay, let me. Look at it as a token of my appreciation. Not to sound cliché, but you could’ve been anywhere in the world, but you chose to be here with me!

5. WHILE WE’RE ON THAT: IT’S OK FOR ME TO ASK YOU OUT

If a lady asks you out it honestly shouldn’t make you feel emasculated. I can see you raising your hands in protest, but think about it: Out of all the men that I have my pick of, I chose you. And does that not mean that I know exactly what I want in life, and am not afraid to go after it? I promise to do it with tact, though, and still allow for nature to take its course in terms of you being the man in the relationship. And, no, me being in love with you does not mean that you have the right to treat me like a moron. Treat me with respect and I just might be all the woman you want, if not more.

6. THOU SHALL OWN AT LEAST ONE SUIT

You never know when you might need it. And you know you’d look good in one.

7. THOU SHALL NOT TELL ME ABOUT YOUR B.E.E DEALS, UNLESS I SHOW INTEREST

Honestly speaking, no one wants to know how much money you make and how many degrees, cars and houses you have, unless they are with you solely for that reason. So shut it. I make my own money.

8. THOU SHALL NOT BE ON MX-IT PAST THE AGE OF 21

This just stinks of paedophile tendencies. So if you’re 25 on MX-it reading this, stop it now.

9. THOU SHALL NOT BE FRIENDS WITH MY FRIENDS, I WON’T WITH YOURS

Unless we’ve been dating long enough to have marriage on the cards, your friends are yours and mine are mine. This eliminates the complications that arise should we break up. Do I still see them behind your back after then? Or do I cut ties with them as well? Also you’ll  never feel the need to call my friends if you can’t get hold of me.

10. AND FINALLY: THOU SHALL NOT PEE IN PUBLIC

It’s not only disgusting, but it just shows a lack of respect for oneself. As women, we know how to hold it till we can get to a loo. Can’t you train yourself to do the same?!

So there it is! Times are always changing, and there’s always some new thought, idea or trend we need to be aware of, but that’s no reason to be stuck in the Stone Age. Nor should you rush head-first into anything you hear about. We still need men in our lives, not girlfriends with stuff between their legs. We do have gay friends for that!

Check out the rest of the Modern Man issue

Writer: Mpho Maboi        Photographer: Jeff Rikhotso