This is How You Are Destroying Your Relationship (Part 1)

Ever noticed that when someone does something wrong we most often interpret it as innate behaviour. We think of the mistake as a permanent feature of their personalities. Something they are suffering from. When we commit the same mistake we however think it is a temporary glitch. That has nothing to do with our “real” personalities. That’s what we do, we find it easy to monitor, analyse and conclude other people’s behaviour. And no other environment provides a more perfect opportunity to learn a person’s personality like a romantic relationship. This also presents a big drawback in which we are unable to see ourselves destroying our own relationships without being aware.


Akin to farting on the first date… during dinner… in public! That’s how I feel about the overuse of social media. How can one person even begin to acknowledge and appreciate all the gifts you are offering them over several dates and times shared when they could have it in seconds? Instant gratification. Competition for attention is at all time high that even the most fervent candidates themselves have to waive 1000’s of options and virtual potential lovers all over their timelines. The result is two individuals who don’t even get the time to experience comfortable silence. That moment when you are with someone and you both have nothing to say to each other and it’s ok, you are both comfortable. The silence is broken by endless pings and notifications from both phones. The world is connected yes, but these are weak, fleeting and flimsy connections that do not mean anything but distraction from connecting with someone who could have been interested in the backstory behind what made you laugh the hardest that day.


Of course, it is very important to factor in the passions and ambitions of a potential partner. As we grow older we start believing love is not enough and we seek some sort of security. The problem is we seek that security from other people’s lives instead of our own. We believe our future husbands and wives can be identified by the certain car they drive or the size of their asses. Which is nothing bad preferring to have a lover’s tiff in a Benz than in a taxi. Or being frustrated by a woman you can’t wait to have make-up sex with. However, in all these selections we are missing the opportunity to learn the person behind all those material things. We want the person we believe they are based on their inclination to material displays. We assume and conclude rather than learn and understand. The challenge begins when you attain all those material things for yourself and you obviously start looking at people equal or above your status regardless of what kind of a person they are. Do we even ask what drives them? Why do they not have this and that? We do not enquire on the beautiful questions one can ask another. We instead, just to conclude that they are great since their car is great and give ourselves to a marage. Mirage after mirage we keep fucking the wrong people with fucked up Chakras. We are wasting energy, we are getting depressed hence we feel we are not fucking enough so we add more partners.


There is no argument in the value friends bring to one’s life. From the calm moments that get you back to balance when your lover fucked up to epic nights when the visa is approved. You have known them for years and they know deep crevices of your life. But they will never know the deepest levels like a lover would. If it all goes well there only exists three secret spaces in your being; the one your lover knows, the one only you know and the most obvious are shared with friends. As you grow older your boys and girls go out to find people to give their secrets to. They may win, get lucky and start gravitating away from you. They are not leaving you, they are just going into themselves with another person to build what only they can build with a partner. That building is not intended to destroy what you both, or all have. At the beginning stages of your relationship, the time you should have protected your then potential lover. You decided to discuss each an every detail of what happened in dates. This exposed them to ridicule and judgement. You took their advise and let go. Or you ended up falling in love with that particular person. But because of all the exposure you handed to your friends about this lover it will take years to regain respect from your friends. Love your friends but not at the cost of that one friend that could take you where your friends take their own partners.

Writer: Banele Rewo

Photography: Queensuzie