Today is my Dad’s birthday.
I took this picture a few weeks ago. I was walking past and noticed Thing 2 and her dad watching TV. First I gave myself an internal High 5, and then I took the picture.
You see, I have never had such a moment with my dad. I was terrified of him. I was uncomfortable being in the same room with him, let alone all cuddled up.
In fact, I felt like I didn’t actually have a dad. You could say I identified as a single-parent child because although my dad existed AND was married to my mom, I avoided him so much that he was barely there in my lived experience.
About a decade after he died I fell pregnant and promptly got rid of my baby’s father. I had all sorts of justifications for my actions. However, a few years later in “therapy”, it was with a Shaman so I am not sure therapy is the right term, she (the shaman) shared something very insightful with me.
When you are pregnant – the voice of your inner child gets amplified. This brought so much clarity to my 180-degree turn in how I felt about my partner as soon as I fell pregnant.
My inner child was not a fan of dads. Even though I gave myself, and others, adult “reasons” for getting rid of my partner, it was just my inner child asserting herself. “Dads are mean. We don’t want one of those around.”
I’ve worked through my daddy issues. I came about it indirectly. I was having hectic issues with my shoulder, and after I had maxed out my medical aid being sent from one medical specialist to another, I decided to take an alternative route and discovered that my shoulder was expressing unresolved anger towards my dad. The healing took years.
In fact, the anger was the easiest to deal with. It was the more vulnerable emotions that were harder to deal with.
The belief that I was defective – I’d concluded that my father was always yelling at me and criticising me because something was inherently wrong with me.
All of this work happened after my father passed away.
However, I believe that had I not done it, my kids may have had a father or even fathers,(you know, ‘cause you need someone to father a child), but NOT A DAD.
BREAKING GENERATIONAL PATTERNS: This is what it looks like.
PS: Posthumously, my FATHER became my DAD.
Through working on my daddy issues I was able to see why he was the way he was towards me, and the ways he tried to show me love that I couldn’t perceive at the time.
Heal. Everyone wins.