There’s always a conversation about Ciara’s prayer and how she found Russell Wilson. Many women are curious about the prayer she used to attract a man who adores and appreciates her. Personally, I question whether prayer is more effective in finding a good partner than making better decisions when choosing one. The criteria for selecting an ideal partner change with age; the type of women I was interested in during my 20s are completely different from those I’ve dated in my 30s. As you grow and experience different relationships, they bring out both the best and worst in you. You also go through periods of self-discovery, confronting aspects of yourself that you may not like or be proud of. How you deal with these realizations can either define you or cripple you.

Consider the guy who focuses solely on his looks, lacking ambition, plans, or a positive outlook. This type of guy often goes for older women. Then there’s the nerdy type who is interested in different things compared to others, very safe but often labeled as boring because they are predictable. These guys usually don’t get chosen. The safe guys tend to win later in life when some women realize that the bad boys don’t work out and they are not the exception to the rule. That’s what happened to Ciara. It wasn’t a divine prayer; she just gave a good guy a chance, someone she normally wouldn’t consider, and perhaps he wasn’t even her type.

You need bad guys for good guys to win. Some men don’t cheat; it’s not their thing, but because it’s seen as a weakness, they don’t get chosen until the end. As a young man, no one tells you that the game changes as you get older. Things get better, your pool of choices improves, especially in your 30s. Usually, your career starts to soar, and you don’t get as excited by sex as you did in your 20s. You have your own place and car, and you can date within your age group or younger, depending on your preference, making the pool larger. For instance, if you are a 32-year-old man, you can date women aged 32 to 28 or go younger to 27 to 24. You also have the option of dating older women.

Often, our dating choices are influenced by how we were raised and the people who were significant during our upbringing. I tend to date women like my mother because she is the longest relationship I’ve had with any woman, so I seek familiarity in my relationships. There is always a pattern in the people you date, and they can provide insight into what you like and where it comes from. It’s an ecosystem that works because everyone gets a chance at this relationship thing based on decisions. Most importantly, you are the decisions you make when it comes to choosing a partner.