***

There is a universe where you exist better

You have loving parents

You are not neglected

Your mother does not call you a demon

Your father does not leave

You are not in pain

 

I love you like the first ten seconds in the morning

The ten seconds before I remember the burdens which bundle up to make me who I am

The ten seconds before my shit and heaviness are called up to haunt me for yet another day

My heavy shit

My haunting shit

 

I love you like the first ten seconds in the morning

Before I remember the Ndu that I liked, who told my friends that I was fat

They laughed

They all laughed

And my thighs expanded and haven’t stopped since

I still hear them laughing

I still smell their pity

 

I love you like the first ten seconds in the morning

Before I loved Leon and he loved Jane

 

I love you like the first ten seconds in the morning

Where my father wakes up and drinks the coke he shouldn’t drink

Where he promises that we will go see Mambazo once more

Where he isn’t dead

 

I love you like the first seconds in the morning

Without rallies and guns

My brother not shattered

Time of death not called

 

I love you like the first ten seconds in the morning

Without tubes

Without dialysis

Without the permanent, sharp taste and stench of death

My mother not fizzling

 

I love you like the first ten seconds in the morning

Before the burdens bundle up and tell me who to be

 

I love you like I’m unburdened

I love you like I’m free

Writer: Nomfundo Shezi       Photo by Georgie Cobbs on Unsplash