Love in The Time of Kuzophela

“Nisazohlukana”, I am seeing this word a lot on Twitter when people gush about their relationships. It’s an absolutely terrible notion, however facts are facts…it will end. Perhaps not all relationships will end in a nasty break-up, others will be amicable, many will make it past that stage and lead to marriage, some marriages will end in divorce or God willing, will succeed and literally be ended by death. Mara oksalayo, kuzophela!

I’m a big fan of introspection, of questioning and unpacking until I find the root cause of an issue, break-ups are no different. The common denominator among my unsuccessful relationships is me, as a result I have become so conscious of the role I played in the demise of a relationship that I carry that into future relationships, where I am hell bent on not repeating the same mistakes or reacting in the same way I would have in the past. But is that really the way? How much from our past should we carry forward with us? Are we not disadvantaging our future relationships and future partners ka this past baggage we carry?

So many young people are breaking up and divorcing, is it because we are such an impatient, self-obsessed generation that we cannot see further than our noses in order to work to preserve a good thing? I am in no way saying that we must bekezela terrible relationships, but I am always wondering why we opt to walk away from real issues as opposed to tackling them head on?

In the very same breath, the celebration of love – what is too much? And vele who came up with the notion of “too much”? So much so that sharing your love with the world is belittled to “nisazohlukana”. Have we, perhaps, become so focussed on the inevitable end that we forget to be present in the current joy? Are we waiting for the triggers to remind us that “yup, this thing can’t last, sizohlukana”? Are we simply so afraid of love and happiness that we hide behind a myriad of utter nonsense like not communicating or not articulating to the next person that all isn’t well but it can be hashed out? Hayi ngeke when are going to be better?

Yes, relationships end and most of us have had to deal with painful breakups – you know, the kind that has you waking up every morning and wishing it were a dream because you cannot believe that, what you perceived to be such a great thing, is over. I believe it’s how you handle the end that determines how you will deal with future relationships. We can’t hold on so tightly to past hurt that it manifests into current insecurities and subsequently denies you a happy future. The reality is sizohlukana, but we can’t let the past or the possibility of future hurt rob us of happiness in the now, we can’t let our egos stand in the way of the relentless pursuit of happiness.

Go jola truly is not for the faint hearted, it’s to be fully naked, not just physically, but emotionally too, in front of this person. It’s to give it a good go, it’s learning to communicate and have very real, very adult conversations. It’s to understand that generally as humans we hold on to the past and it’s two people undertaking a journey to unlearn the past behaviour in order to move forward and indulge in the beauty of two people living harmoniously together. Go jola is to accept that there will be challenges, you will be shocked and hurt, but it’s knowing and understanding the limits of your partner and trying by all means necessary to not stretch and test those limits and boundaries for useless reasons.

That being said, there is only so much heartbreak a human can take and for many, many people, the past has firmly cemented itself in the present and determines our reactions to the current. Whether it’s good or bad is yet to be seen. I am a firm believer in happiness and just because sizohlukana does not mean I will not indulge in the joy that is sharing my heart and love with a special somebody. Life is tricky but dammat man it’s great to love and be loved. Indulge and revel…one day kuzophela mos?

Photographer: IG: @okayzhanae