Power FM x Marvin Conversations – Being Friends With The Ex

A complicated dynamic…

But maybe you share a child together or have been together for quite a long time and ended up developing a friendship unlike any other and now it’s hard to cut that person out of your life. And now with a new person in your life, how do you manage your partner’s concerns?

The reason you broke up is because they hurt or you felt you love each other but not good enough for each other because you bring out the volatile side of each other. The passionate crazy kind of love. As a person you evolve and would want to move yourself away from the negative experiences you’ve had. if you carry that person and energy into your next relationship its most likely not going to be constructive.

Its about being adults, and acting as adults. It doesn’t necessarily mean the person is now dead to you. But these two need to understand they cant have the same relation as they once had. its about keeping a respectable distance. One cant involve other people in this situation, most importantly your current partner. They don’t have to deal or be affected by your previous experiences.

When there’s no child involved, when we call it quits it really has to be that. Having come to that decision mean we both realised there’s nothing we can add into each other’s lives. Then there’s compatibility. You may be thee most amazing and intelligent person, but on the context of the relationship, you and the ex, that’s past. You’d want it to end completely in order for it no to become a bitter memory. You need to cut the person off. In doing this you give yourself a better chance of appreciating yourself, your space, energy and attention. Its just give you perspective.

Sometimes you can actually tell the person “You know what, in actual fact mara wena wa bora”


However, if you insist on being friends with your ex you need to give yourself a “cooling off period”. Cut ties completely. Be with yourself, both take your separate ways for some time and if it happens to meet again after some time, if you can still connect then why not? On a friendship basis. But sometimes we use the “Lets be friends” tag becomes you don’t want to let go. But that always, leads to the same reason you broke up.


But maybe the chapter is not completely closed…

It may mean you’re not over it. You’d most definitely know your ex’s strong and weakness points, and they would know the buttons to press. And that’s irrespective to your partner. If you have a child with the person, then the only time you’d communicate with them is when it has everything to talk with the child, nothing more and beyond that.

When you introduce this new dimension, not only do you have to deal with this person now but starting a new relationship doesn’t give this now a fighting chance. Now they have to compete with your ex and quite frankly with family members that are still hung up. Its not fair to the new relationship. Its like inviting your ex to your wedding, and what I she catches the bouquet? How do you justify that to your person. She walks in and everyone is on some “Yeah she’s the ex before this current person, and she’s even dressed in white”.

Where do you draw the line?

After the “cooling off period”, when we sit at the table, what are we going to talk about? Because you’re definitely going to ask about their current. And as guy he’d want to know “Ditsamaya jwang?” The comparison. Is he doing better than me? It would turn into comparing notes between the two. But with everything being said or thought, having a child involved changes the dimension. If there’s no child involved…move one.

You might believe you can be friends, but you current boyfriend/girlfriend won’t.