My Discovery Of Self…

The earliest memories I have of myself were with my brother, he is 3 years older than I am so my mom did everything for us together. We bathed and ate together, shared a bed and even went to the same school. When my brother was old enough to take care of me my mother let him, she somehow loved the bond we had. My mother worked most of the time and my little brother and little sister where not born yet and my older sister lived with my aunt, my mother fell pregnant with my sister when she was just a teenager so my aunt had offered to take care of her until my sister became a teenager herself so she wouldn’t follow in her footsteps. My mother later had my brother and I, so she had to take care of us herself.

I always did what my brother did and I was his mini person. I think he liked that because he took me everywhere he went, sometimes he didn’t have a choice so he just accepted it. After school he would rush me home because he wanted to watch cartoons, when I was old enough to do the same we would race home because we wanted the remote. Our rule was whoever got home first would have control of the TV until the following morning. Some days were different, he would save our pocket money so that after school we would go and play games and other days we would play sport (cricket, soccer or rugby) at this park that was close to my house. I remember they would play topless and I did the same thing too. I don’t think the other guys realised that I was a girl. My brother on the other hand would laugh it off.

My real journey of self discovery started when I was 13…the teenage years. I started growing ‘female things’ that is what I called them and I hated them. That meant I couldn’t play topless with the guys anymore and they would know I was a girl plus I had to make “girl” friends, that was the most boring and confusing year of my life. I somehow felt trapped and forced to go in a direction, which I was never ready for. I made new friends but I did not connect with girls at all, to me they spoke a “language ” I didn’t understand at all. In my head and heart I was a totally different person and I remember when my mother tried to sit me down and talk to me about teenage pregnancy. The funniest day that year but she some how saw the person I was.

I started wearing my brother’s clothes and gave mine away. I always related to men more than women. As much as I am a woman, I never grew up that way. I relate  to us women because of nature but I really do not understand us some times, but then I came to realise that I have the best of both worlds listening…I always advise women about men and vice versa and it always works in my favour….

Writer: Natasha May