Van Damme is not my friend …

Van Damme is not my friend …


By the time you read this you will realise something that you should have realised 3 weeks ago :Kuyalaleka mawungena mali. After using your last few notes to fill up the tank. You will be missing the Xmas food you never ate. In agony you will want to pounce your head against the wall, wondering why where you moreki? Eish ngibhayizile you will say to yourself.  You will swear you are not going to another family gathering if your aunts continue with that monotonous question ”Ushada Nini” (When are you getting married) or lemali yakho uyitya nabani  (Are you a blesser?).

By the time you read this you will also be confused about how to answer that question from the black neighbors and the mama who helps at work asking Uyidle njani? Le kenne jwang?Monate, Kamnandi, you answer and walk away. I mean, WTF (Side note: White readers; this is something that even we blacks can’t answer).

By the time you read this you will also be on the verge of spiking a colleague’s coffee with Broocklax, that colleague that comes to your desk with a golden tan, saying: Hey Tshepo I am darker than you now hey?  My boys and I went to uMshanga, boet. Lekker time we had, it was the shizzniz. Not today Sathane, not today. Eish the pains of being a black man in corporate South Africa.

But then again not everything about “by the time you read this” is negative. For instance, most of us were never fans of Maskanndi music. But as we sit on Facebook or the Marvin page we have the Sim’bulele u Van Damme at the back of our brains. That song that took the entire SABC playlist to cross-over to the new year. (Editor; English is not my first language please translate). I am still shocked I am still humming that song.

Kaloku, for me, personally Maskandi is:

Zulu=IFP=Noord Street Taxi Rank=Isibaya=Mgijimi=Wizadry= Stay away.

But I could not help to stay away.

Seeing that this song was big, I decided to find out who is the artist and what’s it all about.

I then hit my search engine, not Google but Black Twitter: Mafra strue, straight and 2 beers within a hundredth of a second the PI’s told me it’s a dope ethnic song.  Ok done, had to listen to it again: A fresh break from Joyous Celebration 1-20 and the “Lion of Judah”.  I then grabbed my Kuli Chana earphones and listen to it hape, le hape. Moeskont, after 9 repeats it’s catchy yeses! Imandi lento…oops I mean lengoma.

Wait a minute, I came to reality, Van Damme is my hero. I grew upon his movies. I needed to analyse this like a true intellectual. As a true Kaizer Chiefs fan, Khosi for life, my brain switched to my coache’s mode of speaking. Let’s go:

Who is Van Damme?

Uyabona Rob, oops I mean Mfethu, categorically speaking, the truth is that even van Damme is not van Damme. He knows it.  The other actor from Belgium used the name as an alias so he can bloodspot Tompo out. Using an innovative strategy he did not park, but attacked, and kicked Tompo out of the ring from Brits to Bloemfontein.

When speaking in animal hospital terms, if Tompo was a dog he was not going to take him to the SPCA but put him down. Empeleni It’s not the bite in the dog, but the size of the dog.

According to University of LM Sultan dictionary, he is a metaphor of everything that we used to love now we hate. He presents everything that as we start the new year we want to let go off; be it alcohol, sex addiction, food, lies, over spending, flamboyancy, substances, etc. It’s all about introspecting all the things that have stood on your path to success. You see when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Why do we want to kill Van Damme?

It is because he once made us feel good about ourselves, now our hearts are full of regret.

He took us up to the echelons of power, now he is bringing us down. Whispering to us what goes up must come down. Results: The black outs, the weight gain, the diseases, the sniffles etc. At one point it was good to be a player, to be bra madlisa tshomie yabana, to be the potato salad specialist in the family, but now you find yourself broke, unreliable, not funny anymore, sick, and because of too much of magwinya, atchaa, white liver and snoekfish when you stop a taxi. Its either it passes you or asks you to pay for two seats. Wena Khethile Van Damme wena Bhadala.

Can we kill van Damme and conquer?

Yes, Rob oops… I mean Mfethu, it’s possible ,if you keep your guard up and never lose sight. Ask Tompo. He has fucked up Van Damme so many times to come nice, broke his ankles, his jaw, but van Damme always goes back, unlike 61 V next to me, goes back to the drawing board and comes back much stronger, and tries to find another weak spot in you. He never retreats, never surrender. Personally, rather find yourself other people like Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris who are in the same mission to beat van Damme.

In a nutshell:

Strongholds are not a joke. They can’t be beaten overnight. It’s war everyday, so as we start a new year, remember it’s not about how many times you fall, but your ability to rise up. Stay close to your family, good friends, love like you’ve never loved before, keep the dream alive inside of you, and before you know it, the glory will be yours.

Wish you the best 2017.

X the creative.