I’m 30 plus and in panic mode!

In my 20’s, the last thing I was going to do was to be that woman who didn’t have a man, who wasn’t married, who had no children, with only the comfort of a career and some money to keep away the loneliness. I envisioned myself married with children living wealthy and extremely happy. I was going to marry the perfect man, it didn’t matter that I didn’t know what perfect was for me, yet the adjective that described him remained ‘perfect’.

The years have lapsed quite quickly since those years and I’m not sure what it is exactly that has lead me to where I now find myself – unmarried, single and no children to call my own. Could it be that I am ‘fussy’, as they say I am, could it be the bad choice in men or the focus on studies and career? I can’t quite pinpoint it. I often wish I was religious and call it God’s will, however, the God I prescribe to is the one who helps those who help themselves. So has everything I’ve been doing been a hindrance to my happy dream? How have I stopped myself from achieving this dream but managed to succeed at so many other dreams I had?

In conversation with my mother a few weeks ago, she commented on how I’ve managed to make all my goals happen except that of having a husband. My retort was, ‘surely that should mean that if I want him too I’d have him’. Makes sense, right? I have everything else I wanted, so far. Or is there no comparison between accumulating things and being married to an actual being?

It hadn’t been the first time I’d questioned this; do you actually want a husband? I’ve thought long and hard about this, had many conversations about it too. I feel that I’m ‘safer’ without one, when I hear and see how some women are so stressed in their marriages. The idea of him puts me in panic mode faster than a taxi driver forcing himself into my lane! Then I look at my aunt and uncle and how they do everything together, they simply make it work, while admitting that it’s not, in fact, easy. My feelings may well be driven by a great fear instilled by the divorce that my parents had had at an early age but, still, this question haunts me.

So, do you want a husband? Yes, if my husband is a good man with whom I can partner with on this journey of life. That’s the one I want and no other, I decline any other. By my own admission though, one of the biggest reasons I want a husband is so that I can make some adorable babies! So maybe it’s necessary to change this man from a by-product into a real being. My admission then had been a question of; why not go the route of cryopreservation or artificial insemination? The former still gives the impression that I am continuing my wait for Prince Charming while the latter securely puts my baby making in my own hands. However, it is a huge commitment, the decision to be a single parent. Many assumed they were in a partnership but ended up single, is this decision then not more empowering from the jump? What will people think? Does it serve as confirmation that I have given up on finding ‘the one’ entirely?

I am a firm believer in the law of attraction; I have not attracted this man due to my constant doubts about him. I believe when I decide he will come running. In the meantime, I am certain that I want a baby, what do I do?