1. Parenting a baby is all about poop. What colour is it? When last did they poop? Did they struggle while pooping? Do we have enough nappies for the next 10 poops? Let me take a picture of this poop to show the doctor. Now your gallery is full of poop.
2. There will be outfits they only wear once before outgrowing them. This hurts. Try not to buy expensive outfits.
3. You are not frustrated, you just haven’t been smiled at. No matter how frustrated you are with babies they will defuse you with a smile. Manipulative little pricks those ones.
4. A backup outfit for the baby is ideal but a backup outfit for yourself is even more important. They will puke on you and laugh. Yes, Black ke colour ya manyora but puke stains look worse on it.
5. You need to have a database of 24hr pharmacies. Try the pharmacies in hospitals. They either close late or are open 24 hours. After a while they will know you by name.
6. Read on parenting quite a lot. Have a book or an online resource to use. I recommend this book. It has kept me sane. It even has a black baby and a white baby on the cover so Mandela will be happy
7. Have a playlist. I have compiled a playlist that I use to disarm her when she is angry or annoyed. I have tested it on my friends’ babies too. Babies love these songs. Here is the link to the Apple Music playlist I curated.
8. You might think you are a nice person but in fact you are a sadistic being who will find joy in your baby rejecting other people and wanting you. Sies!
9. These things are always trying to die. Your job is to stop them. They will want to roll over a bed, they will want to chew on the tip of your laptop charger, they will want to swallow the coin that just fell out of your pocket. Your job is suicide watch. Don’t slip.
10. Your routine completely changes. If support is available use it. If you can afford a nanny get one If you are in business then take your usual deadlines and add a day or two. If you have understanding clients like mine you might even bring the little brat to a few meetings.
[BONUS LESSON] Your phone does not have enough space for all the pictures you will take. Not even your 128GB phone. If you have an Android device get a memory card just for the baby pics. If you have an iPhone just get another one for baby pics, akere wena you are rich.
Writer: Bonisile Mgidi