WHERE ARE YOU? AND, WHERE IS SHE?
If you are between the age of 25 and 35 you are at the height of your dating life. This is the point where you transition from youth into full-on adulthood. At 30 you more than a decade from high school and a decade to age 40, round about the time you will need to get your shit organized. During these 10 years, just about everything about dating is a twilight zone between leaving your youthful fuckery and learning the way of being a gentleman, heading to the dawn of being a man, a man to a woman.
On the other side of the planet, a woman has been a woman far more than you have been a man. At 20 a woman is beginning to a trajectory to a peak as her beauty is most supple and her options for dating are increasing by the day towards 25, to which they will begin to start slowly decline as she heads to 30. This is the time they meet all kinds of men. There is one man she will meet, that man will impregnate her. From this point, the man is in her life forever.
Here you are, a man looking for a woman, you find her. She is everything you dream of but there is one little cute issue. She has a child. But, what’s the problem? She is no longer with the man, there is nothing to worry about it. You can get to know her, go out on dates and even have weekends together. You hardly hear anything about the man or the child. But the child and man exist, just well veiled behind the scene of your picture-perfect fledging relationship, but it’s there. As with every show the curtain has to drop in the end, the end that is your beginning.
You want to take the relationship further and begin a life with this lovely lady. This is when the little cute ‘issue’ grows up and the man behind the curtain walks in on the perfect picture. Now the perfect picture of two is complicated by four individuals, and here is the kicker. One of the people in this picture is unrelated to all three, that’s you homie.
THE CHALLENGES YOU MAY FACE
Here is what you are you are really up against my brother. Let me paint a picture for you.
Off the bat you are now an outsider and exist in a world she has created for you to exist in, you want to build a castle but on her land, land that has borders and boundaries set by her, her baby, and the baby daddy.
– Her money is already compromised, you are not experiencing her full financial resources. What could have been gifted to you, will pay for the child’s needs. If baby daddy was supposed to buy winter clothes and fails, she will need to divert that money for the watch you deserve to winter clothes.
– Her time is limited because what could have been dates and holidays have to accommodate the child. That perfect getaway you booked months in advance will be cancelled and you lose your deposit because the babysitter fell sick that weekend and no replacement could be found.
– Her moods could change because of another man, baby daddy. You are out on a perfect dinner date. A call comes in, they exchange words you can’t hear clearly as you sip that fine whisky. She drops the call, she is now upset, there goes the perfect night because the man who pulls her strings pushed her buttons, she rang and you are left with a dead tone.
– Her decision-making is not just with you about her future, she needs to also consult her baby daddy someway or the other. Here you are you have a brilliant opportunity to move cities, buy and can afford to buy a house and settle with her while she finds another job. She needs to ask permission from the baby daddy to move with you and their child. You are stifled. In fact, forget a house, just going on a picnic with the child needs his approval. This man is your father-in-law bruh!
– This is the guy that she went raw with at her peak and had so many options. She risked it all for this guy to potentially give her stretch marks and put on weight. There were feelings involved. A lot. She could still be sleeping with baby daddy or hate him, either way, she is invested emotionally in him. That’s energy that could have been love for you. You might be getting the short end from a disappointing time of her life.
– It’s possible that she will bring past hurts from baby daddy to heal them at your mental expense. When she fell pregnant she probably did not want the child, but she now had to grow up fast and forgoing her youth to be a mother. That guy left her and with him took away the rest of the peak. And here you are probably being manipulated into giving her the feel of what could have been for her self-esteem.
– Ask yourself, let’s say you are a stepfather and is a decent man to her and child. But at age 16-19 the son tells you that he does not want to be told what to do by you who is not his REAL father. Then turns around and tells his mother that she has to choose between you and him otherwise he hits the streets on his own and you must forget about him. Who do you think she will choose?
AFRICAN SPIRITUALITY ENTERS THE RELATIONSHIP
We are African, the family of the child does not only end with the ones alive. The child’s ancestors could decide to want the child to perform rituals. She may start acting strangely and seem wayward kanti ufuzo. You will not be able to figure out what is happening because the genes in the child are not yours. Here you are dealing with something beyond you and you can’t do anything but watch it play out.
Speaking of ancestors, they have always said that when a woman with a child finds a man who wants to marry her, she needs to leave the child behind because the child could be the source of the problems that could end the marriage. The child’s relationship with the kids you will have with the woman could be disastrous. Imagine if the baby daddy of the woman you love is richer than both of you, but you decided to marry or live with her and her child. If he decides to splash out on every birthday, how will it make your child feel? will you combine money to hide that the other child is richer than the other? How will you explain to your poor child that you are being reminded every year that there are richer men who really do most for their kids? How will you the mother explain to your firstborn that you, broke dad, and child are skepsels to her?
Look man, lastly, ask yourself if the woman you love with a child would have considered you if she did not have a child. A lot of women lower their standards after breaking up with baby daddies. She can probably see that you lack the confidence to date peaking women and are settling for what you can get. You can call it love, it can be love but you can 100% date a woman without these challenges. It’s your choice. But let me ask, if you were where you should be in life, confident and peaking in your life goals and getting attention from women, would you really choose these challenges?
To be with a woman with a child, you have to respect her and the circumstance she is in. You need to be mature enough to know that arguments affect the child’s life and not just the both of you. You will need to put her needs, then the child, then baby daddy and only after these there is you. Do not waste her time if you know you are not looking to marry her, every year you are with her on a serious relationship you are depriving her of someone who she could marry and treat her and her child to a positive and structured life.