Bare Minimum

by Marvin

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So now he’s managed to convince you that he’s not just there for a hit and run, I mean, he definitely called to see you again and it was great. You have moved on from the anxiety that comes with meeting someone new, where you are not sure whether he will call you back or if he really is just that into you – go monate nyana nou. A few weeks go past and there are dates, you meet some of his close friends, hey man you have a few sleep overs at his house, he is consistent in his show of being your personal person…your skin starts glowing and before you know it you have fallen.

Then there’s a shift, at first you think that it may be just a busy time in his life, in fact he has said that work is keeping him quite busy. There are less calls and dates, sleepovers are almost reduced to nil, but there is no cause for major alarm yet, because although the frequency of interaction has reduced significantly, he has not gone full on ghost. He still takes your calls and responds to texts, albeit not as speedily as the in beginning, mara at least he responds. At this point you manage to organise some time together and you spend a good evening together and it feels like everything is back on track, however, it’s not. If at this point you had stopped to take proper stock you would have realised that you have been accepting the absolute bare minimum from this man friend.

Reality is you are on your own…this is now a glorified booty call. Men have a wonderful ability to string women along purely because they do not have the guts to have a frank conversation that they are not operating on the same wavelength or just not interested in anything more than the bare minimum. We women on the other hand, we are champions of forgiveness and second chances – looking back you realise that you accepted the absolute worst nonsense in the name of “making it work”. We gush because he called just to say hi, we jump on the roof because he let us drive his car – yeh bathong is that not what the person you are seeing is meant to do as a part of the normal course of relationshipping?

Ask yourself this question, the person you proudly call your boo and change all plans just to see him at his leisure – this same oke that you share a bed with and are not entertaining any other advances because of him, is this the man you can call in case of emergency? Will he stop what he is doing when your car breaks down and you’re panicking? Is this the man you can phone when your handbag has been stolen and you cannot get home? Will he come to your rescue or will he say “I’m so sorry, so what are you going to do?”? You drop you girls after making solid plans with them a week in advance because your so called man, whom you haven’t seen in weeks by the way, wants to hang out? You are grateful that after weeks he has made time? Look, I absolutely understand being busy, but not responding to my message and checking in on me in between meetings makes absolutely no sense – even Zuma ran SA and multiple marriages!

The time will come and during that introspection you will come to terms with the fact that a man that truly wants to be with you and who is into you is not a bare minimum type of brother, he will make an effort and he will do it with consistency – you will never ever wonder if he is just that into you. A man that wants to be with you will be crystal clear and will try hard to never make you feel unsure about where you stand with him, he will maintain his word, he will treat you well and you will know that you are wanted. Mara in these days where bare minimum is on the rise, be aware and don’t settle for it if that is not what you want. Don’t let good things pass you by while holding out for someone who only ever communicates with you ka Whatsapp once a week or sends you a twitter DM in the middle of the night asking you to come over…stay woke.

Writer: Palesa Motau

 

  • Palama

    Lou. The Game has truly changed.They are slick even,you will think you overthinking things kganthe nope,you are right. And Bare Minimum men are somewhat attracted to you when you at your best and life is just easy.

    I will respect any day a guy who tells me they wants to smash and not act like a bf for a few weeks only to play hot and cold.

    The dating scene has truly changed hey. Its like that era where you just knew a guy was into and didn’t have to keep guessing,is long gone.

    But bare minimum dating can miss me.

    • TheLooz

      THIS >>>> And Bare Minimum men are somewhat attracted to you when you at your best and life is just easy.
      Iyhuuuu

      • Palama

        Just talking from the top of my head,not only is a person most attractive when they content and just radiate good energy.

        B M man can see that you emotionally ‘filled’ and also have a busy life,so he won’t have to be a full time bf. So he knows you can take care of yourself emotionally and you won’t rely on him to keep your days filled.

        Just my opinion.

        • George Gladwin Matsheke

          Women always enter relationships or situationships with idea or notion that they will make the most effort, they know relationships better, they know whats good for men. I have seen it happen so many times and the men will just start to focus on other things because you have figured things out akere. I asked my girl once that we dont talk as long as we did in the beginning and she said its because we were trying to figure each other out and its ok that we dont talk as much on the phone as much as before. It doesnt mean that i love her any less just a shift of things happening in our lives.

    • George Gladwin Matsheke

      If you understand that men cant articulate themselves, you will know this wont happen. Relationships take time, love takes time, understanding one another takes time. You and this guy or bare minimum men are never on the same page – the results are always gonna be the same. Only thing that can sort this out is communication and understanding from both side, not just from your view but both.

  • FortuityLane

    This is starting to feel like a Miserable Girls WhatsApp group. I thought Marvin would help us understand each other better. Is Marvin a male bashing platform now? The sister-act angle is (probably) good… for the sisters. But not at my expense. I’m not a ‘Bare Minimum’ kind of guy but I’m not getting/learning anything out of this either.

    • George Gladwin Matsheke

      I think we need to have these conversations though because this is what is said about us and we never defend or say anything insightful to help women see us differently. We cant also just post amazing things about men we need to confront these things. We men do what we want, we dont have time to be shouting and trying to get our PR right but if we want change to happen we need to communicate because women relate better with communication (bare in mind communication is one of the most difficult thing to do as a man). Women always assume that we know how to communicate but we dont, most of the time we want to be understood as well.

      • TheLooz

        You need to get a man to give us this perspective.

        • George Gladwin Matsheke

          I have a couple of articles that i have in mind that will go into these things, give me a couple of days and lets see.

    • TheLooz

      Lol this reminds me of “Not all men are trash”. Glad you are not a bare minimum guy.

    • Mxolisi Emmanuel Tshabalala

      Bro, your thinking that “Marvin would help us understand each other” as men, is not going to get manhood forward. We can’t only seek to understand each other only, because we don’t live by ourselves. We live with women. We get into relationship with women. We build families with them.

      Alone as men, we’d ask among ourselves on “What women bring on the table besides vagina?”. But when we have conversations with them we finally get to ask ourselves “What do we accept besides vagina?” Women aren’t supposed give a man anything he isn’t ready for. So, we’re ought to evaluate what we’re ready for, ready to reciprocate, and the only way to get to that point is to have conversation with women.

      And LISTEN when they speak.

      • FortuityLane

        I agree completely. However, can we also have an article that speaks about a guy like me? (Obviously you don’t know this but…) Like I wrote above, I am not a ‘Bare Minimum’ guy. As a result, it feels like I will always be in the dirt for another a**hole’s behavior. Sometimes, for us as manhood to get forward, we need to see a picture of what forward looks like. Not the dirt. Not the trash.

        • TheLooz

          Oftentimes, “good” men don’t realise their trashy behaviour. The same can be said for women. I read George’s comments and had several ah-ha moments. Also, there are several articles from a mans perspective on Marvin, check them out.

  • George Gladwin Matsheke

    I can tell that you havent been with this guy for more than 6 months, as men we can see it. I find that most women will put effort in figuring out if a men is cheating or not but not to understand him. When conversations are had between two people understanding will happen. You cant expect him to drop his friends because you did the same thing without having a conversation, he is not a woman and he doesnt operate the same way. Getting to know someone takes time, a year is not enough, hey even 3 years is not enough but people expect others to know and understand them in a very short period of time without the understanding that we all operate differently as human beings and as species nje

    • George Gladwin Matsheke

      Also men’s effort and womens effort are worlds apart but if you dont know your man then you will believe that you are the only one who is making effort in the relationship because you are looking at things from your perspective.

    • TheLooz

      I get this. It’s hilarious because I am most certainly a bare minimum woman. I’ve read prior comments and this whole notion that women are better communicators than men needs to stop, effort needs to be put into communication – on all spectrums and not just romantically. So women are moaning, men know what’s wrong and what can change, what then is missing for the two genders to meet on a point of commanality. What is missing?

      • George Gladwin Matsheke

        We are not encouraged to communicate from day 1, it will take more time to undo that it takes alot for men to communicate its easier to express ourselves physically than verbally. Our battle is far more than just communication, we still struggle to understand our own feelings nje, we need to be patient with each other but most of the time we are not and yet expect amazing results

btt