That time you found out the love of your life had been cheating on you for the past several weeks or months or years. How about that time you realized how much of a toxic relationship you were in only after leaving the person you once thought you can’t live without? You just can’t help ask yourself why were you such a fool, how was it possible you did not see the signs then. Signs that look so glaring now?  Truth is most breakups happen way before the day you find you out, some are dead at the very beginning. Most disturbingly… a little introspection after the break up we sometimes realize we knew all along that it was dead but dropped the ball somewhere between optimism and desperation.

It Is Your Fault That Things Are Going Wrong.

When S/He cheats on you, it is your fault. When S/He abuses you it is your fault. When S/He takes advantage of you it is your fault. The saying goes, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. Cheaters or abusers and manipulators do not exist without victims. The more lenient and passive the victim the more they will try to test the limits of their psychotic habits. The signs are always there, from the very start they are there but in most cases, we choose to believe what we want to perceive about the person rather than what they truly are. When you look at a random textured wall or clouds your mind will automatically start forming recognizable faces and shapes. That’s what the mind does, it is always trying to fill in the gaps to make sense. The same thing applies when you see a person you want to like. You check all the ‘necessary’ boxes like looks, career, demeanour, style and when they check out then it means to you that they are the type that you will love ‘with everything that you are’. You are deciding to fall in love with them based on your determinations and analysis. But you overlook signs like respect for other people, how S/He talks about other people, friends, and colleagues, types of friends they have, types of expressions when irritated or angry.

The first day you see the sign you will fight yourself first with the worst weapon you can ever use on yourself ‘doubt’. You doubt “that weird feeling” you have, telling you that they are wrong for you. Then award the person for being a cunt to you by giving them benefit of doubt. While on the other hand, you have opened up a door for them to test your limits. This is how people end up in large debts while they were allegedly trying to help a ‘partner’. The reason why you helped a person achieve their goals then they left you after success. This is how you end up in hospital or psychiatric ward over an abusive relationship. You wanted to see them the way you wished they should be, so much so you did not see yourself lose weight, friends, your career. But after you decided to not love them again and focus on yourself and wellbeing the signs became ever so clear starting from that first day you met.

Miscarriages

We miscarry relationships so often it as normalized into psyche. In our rush to find lovers, we jump into clear situations that are as good as acid. In this one episode of Date My Family, one young good looking early 20 something lady was looking for a suitor through the blind dating show. She had the opportunity to dine with the possible suitor’s family where she could ask questions about the prospective suitor to her satisfaction. Our good looking late 20 something guy lives with his mother and younger sister in “this very small flat” as the mother described it. When she asked the man’s mother what the guy did for a living she was told: “he is still looking for a job”. At the end of the show, the chosen man had the chance to ask the lady about her ambitions. The man asked “So what do you do”, The lady replied; “I have a daughter, I am a single parent, I am stating up a company in marketing”. The lady asked the gentlemen “So what do you do, do you study?”, the man replied “ehhhh uhm I study, I study” clearly building on the already directed and formed question.

The hesitation was a clear signal that the man was referring to that INTEC course he long forgot to pay the registration fees for it yet still thinks he will one day continue. They were both pleased with each other and spoke of pursuing the relationship. But the reality is “starting up businesses” a.k.a. ‘unemployed’ means this relationship will be an additional burden to both in terms of resources. Both do not have a car, how will they assist in moving about especially should the daughter have an emergency situation? Guy lives with his parents and younger sister there, where will there be room for them to binge on a new series? Where will they get airtime to call each other, call for business opportunities? Condoms are R35 a pack of three… and with a new relationship, one needs a minimum of 9 one night. I mean!

You Are Your Relationship

You are responsible for demanding and giving what you want to experience in a relationship. The honest truth is that you are well equipped to take care of yourself, but it is a beautiful feeling to have someone kiss your wounds and tell you that you are an amazing being. But those kisses should not come from a serpent. Self-confidence, you will realize, is a lot deeper than just thinking you are comfortable in your skin, being beautiful or assertive. It also includes being confident in the decisions you take and trusting yourself to be committed to the things you want to do for yourself in a relationship or as an individual. You need to learn how to step outside of your comfort zone or self-torture zones and assure yourself that you will be okay in doing so. Dealing with the loss of someone for a month is better for your sanity than five years of torture compensated by a few days of happiness. This is the kind of self-confidence that will help you see success that is also a reality and not what you wish to see.

You know those moments when you hear a song and you remember the exact mindset you were in during the times you heard it…it’s almost as if you can’t even listen to it without having that everlasting nostalgic feeling for that moment, those times, the feelings to returning back to you. That also happens with intuition, for the all the lovers you have been with, they have given you tuition on how to subconsciously see bullshit. Believe it, believe yourself, believe the relationship with yourself and you will never have trouble trusting another person and leaving them when you should.

Writer: Banele Rewo