If you ask a man what his greatest fear is, he is unlikely to say “death.” Death is final, abstract, and often distant. What many men fear more—quietly, deeply, and constantly—is uselessness. The fear of no longer being needed. Of having no function. Of existing without value.

Comedian Chris Rock once captured this reality in a line that continues to haunt modern masculinity: “Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.”Whether one agrees entirely or not, the statement resonates because it reflects a lived experience shared by many men across cultures, classes, and generations.

A man without utility doesn’t just feel unloved; he feels invisible.”

From the moment a boy is born, he begins learning—often without words—that his value is not inherent. It is conditional. He is praised when he achieves, disciplined when he fails, and respected when he produces results. Affection is rarely detached from performance. Strength, usefulness, and competence become currencies of love.

A girl, by contrast, is often affirmed simply for being. She is protected, cherished, and reassured of her worth. A child is valuable because they are vulnerable. Their existence alone justifies care. Men, however, grow up understanding that existence is not enough. Contribution is required.

This difference does not mean women have easy lives or that men suffer uniquely. It means the social contracts are different. Men are expected to become before they are allowed to belong.

This is why unemployment devastates men psychologically more than it does women. Why retirement can feel like a loss of identity. Why illness, financial failure, or dependency often leads to shame rather than sympathy. A man without utility feels invisible. Worse—he feels disposable.

Modern society often misunderstands male depression because it does not look like sadness. It looks like withdrawal, irritability, overwork, risk-taking, or silence. Men do not usually ask, “Am I loved?” They ask, “Am I still useful?” When the answer becomes uncertain, their sense of self begins to erode.

At the same time, contemporary conversations around equality have complicated this dynamic. As women rightly pursue independence and self-sufficiency, traditional male roles are destabilised—but often without replacement narratives. Men are told what they should not be, but rarely what they should become. Provider roles are criticised, yet emotional labour is not always rewarded. Vulnerability is encouraged, but often punished socially when expressed.

“Men are not taught to ask if they are loved — they are taught to ask if they are needed.”

The result is confusion. Men are caught between outdated expectations and undefined alternatives. Still expected to provide, but not always respected for it. Encouraged to open up, but still judged by outcomes. The conditions of love may have shifted—but they have not disappeared.

This is the hardest pill to swallow: men are still largely valued for what they do, not who they are, even in a world that claims to have evolved past such thinking. And many men internalise this so deeply that they police themselves long before society does.

This reality also affects relationships. Men often overwork not out of greed, but fear. They stay in unhealthy jobs, suppress emotions, or accept disrespect because usefulness feels safer than honesty. To be needed—even transactionally—feels better than being irrelevant.

None of this diminishes the struggles women face. It simply highlights a parallel truth: while women have historically fought to be seen beyond their bodies, men have long fought to be seen beyond their utility. Both are prisons. They are just built differently.

Perhaps real progress begins when we accept that men, too, need spaces where their worth is not constantly audited. Where presence matters as much as performance. Where usefulness is not the price of admission for love.

Until then, many men will continue to fear uselessness more than death—because death ends life, but uselessness ends meaning.

Photography: Adrian MacDonalds

Writer: Marvin

This was inspired by Asanwa who wrote …

The Hardest Pill to Swallow 

If you ask a man what his biggest fear is, he won’t say “death.” He will say “uselessness.”  There is a famous saying by Chris Rock that haunts most men. He said, “Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.”  This is the fundamental truth of the male experience. From the moment a boy is born, he is taught that his value is not innate. It must be earned. A woman is valuable just because she exists. A child is valuable just because they are innocent. But a man? A man is only valuable if he is useful.