If you take a moment to reflect on your past relationships, you might notice a pattern: despite different names and faces, you’ve been dating the same person all along. Sure, they seemed different, but a closer look reveals certain recurring traits and features that keep attracting you to a particular “type.” So, why didn’t it work out if they were your type? And why can’t you help being drawn to them?
Irresistible Attraction
Let’s set aside the obvious physical preferences—whether it’s light-skinned beauties, suited-up men, or curvaceous ladies in winter. And no, you’re not sapiosexual any more than a man who frequents brothels is a porn star. Let’s focus on the deeper, more personal attractions. These are the qualities, defects, or attributes that instantly make you want to fall in love with someone. The secret lies in that “want to fall in love.” We’ll get back to that shortly.
This “automatic” attraction can range from obvious traits like humility, intelligence, or affluence to more psychologically complex ones, such as constantly falling for troubled souls or violent men. There’s that guy who’s always trying to wife the girl who’s well-known in the streets, or the model C-schooled woman who always dates guys from the hood. She drives her shiny German-engineered car from Athol to see her rough-around-the-edges boyfriend in Tembisa. The contrast between their personalities and worlds is what sparks the attraction. Ironically, it’s often the very reason things don’t work out.

Vicarious Living
They say opposites attract, and there’s truth to that. Sure, a couple working in the same office, with the same career path, might eventually hook up out of boredom. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. The reason opposites attract is due to vicarious living. You know yourself and your like-minded circle well, but stability can become predictable. Deep down, you might wonder what life would have been like had you chosen a different path. What if you had pursued that singing talent instead of your current career? You’d be living a different life, perhaps one filled with groupies and late-night gigs.
Instead, you find yourself in a stable, predictable routine. But then you meet someone who represents an alternative version of yourself—someone living the life you sometimes wonder about. Dating them lets you experience that life vicariously. It’s exciting, sexy, and feels like you’re exploring a different side of yourself. It’s perfect… for about three months.
Enter the Ego
There are aspects of your chosen way of life that you don’t like, so when you look for a partner, you seek out someone who is your opposite. Take a guy with an overly active social life: he might be attracted to a woman with a low-key lifestyle, someone predictable and dependable. He feels he can trust her because she’s not like the women from the scene he’s used to. Meanwhile, she loves his vibrant personality and the new experiences he introduces her to.
In the beginning, it feels like love. They seem to fulfill each other’s “lacks,” and their differences feel complementary. But as time goes on, they start to forget why they were attracted to each other in the first place. The guy complains that she’s too much of a homebody and never tries new things; she complains that he’s too friendly with everyone and never has time for their Friday movie nights. Egos get bruised, and things start to fall apart.
Why? They seemed perfect, right? They were different and complemented each other’s inadequacies. But that’s the problem: they were in love with the idea of the person, not the person themselves. Their expectations were high going into the relationship, but soon they discovered that the reality didn’t match the fantasy. The person they imagined was just that—an imagined ideal.
Your Only Type Is a Person
You’ll find that the most successful, long-lasting relationships are often with people you never expected to be with—maybe you didn’t even like them at first. These relationships work because you didn’t have any preconceived expectations. You focused on getting to know the person, and over time, you discovered qualities in them that surprised and attracted you. The relationship became an unpredictable journey of self-discovery, shared with a real human being, not an idea.
When this kind of relationship works, it becomes a lifelong story of two people who are different enough to be fascinating but similar enough to connect deeply. It’s a relationship built on genuine curiosity and mutual growth, where both partners learn from and teach each other every day. Moments turn into years, and you realize that the only “type” you truly need is a person, not a fantasy.
Writer: Banele Rewo
Photographer: Adrian MacDonalds