Soooo… the friendzone thing. I think the friendzone is not as much a moral dilemma as we would like to believe. Although it may lead one to very immoral thoughts and desires pertaining to ‘dear’ friends. But also being in the friendzone can be or should be a norm in certain cases. I mean some sexual relations among close friends can boil down to down right incest. Also some types aren’t as bad as others. I believe there are several types of friendzones. I’ll break down just a few of them and one would do well to familiarize with them, lest you find yourself having to answer that dreaded question, “what are you doing, we are just friends?.” Down boy.

WILL & GRACE FRIENDZONE

This is probably the classic type of friendzone that many find themselves. Sometimes you ask yourself if she is aware of the existence of your penis and the wonder it can perform. Her interaction with you suggests that she is vaguely cognisant of a certain protrusion between your legs. The Will & Grace friendzone can be identified by the type of topics she chooses to talk to you
about. You are sitting there in her crib, checking out her booty, while she walking around going on about, “can you believe Mpho? Suggesting I wear polka dots! I mean ow em gee!” She turns around, reaching out for a hand slap, only to catch your ass drooling at her well-developed gluteus. Then she gives you that…look. That LOOK brethren, that says “EEEUW, why you looking at me like that?” This EEUW here ni***r, this EEUW right here ni***r, that’s the sound of a guillotine descending your member.

You may try to be polite and say “haai mahn, I just drifted off.  I wasn’t looking AT your ass. Just
in… its… general direction.”  Meanwhile, back at the groin, you are actually saying, “have you seen the SIZE of that thing?! I mean, my palm is miniscule. I’d need to hold each butt cheek in a choke hold…blah blah.” But alas, you just wipe off the saliva because you know she doesn’t like it. But the part that’s going to be a knee in the nuts is when she says, “I bumped into Thabo today. He told be I have a nice ass.” Then she blushes. Twitch much?

MIKE TYSON FRIENDZONE

No, no, no I don’t suggest violence here. Not physical, anyway. In fact, my guy, I’m not even saying that YOU are Iron Mike. Nah dude, SHE is the emotional brawler. Let me give you an E.G., she’s been AWOL for a minute. Not a tag or a mention, fokol. Then, just nje, the BBM cries. “Heey…how u? (eyes rolling emoticon)”. You are still contemplating a response when, 30 seconds later, the BBM cries again. “PING”. You reply with the quickness, “hey, I’m good. How doing? (Whew!)”. “I f*n gReaT. How can I not be when you take a whole hour to respond? >:O MEN!! YOU ARE JUST RUBBISH”. DING DING!!

You know exactly which bus just hit you. She and her “amazing” Thabo had a fight, again. She probably curled up into a whimpering fetal position during the altercation. Dude pulling that reverse guilt move after he did the BS. She lost the argument. Now, well, you gon’ get it. She is that comfortable with you that nothing feels better than pummeling the crap out of you. Flip, she’ll even tell you such; “you such a good friend.” :*  You see, grasshopper, you screwed up that fateful day, many a moon ago, when you gave her your shoulder instead of The Naked Man.

THE STEDMAN FRIENDZONE

I do not wish this upon my worst nemesis. It is cruel, inhumane and will reduce the largest of gonads. You know Stedman, right? Oprah Winfrey’s life long BFF. Guy’s dilemma is of biblical proportions. I mean, only people in the bible have just one name; David, Moses, Job, Stedman. Wait, is Stedman his first name or last? I’m actually illustrating a point here.

This man is generally known only as Oprah’s partner. It’s like Will & Grace with an On and Off button and SHE has the remote. This man can claim nothing about nothing, about nothing. Probably surprised when he got an invite to his own wedding. Rubbish is what he has in his trousers. I’m sure he even gets told to “cum out!”, during AHAA moments.

LESILO FRIENDZONE

My dear brother, we have you in our thoughts, wherever you may be. If you are not familiar with who Lesilo is, I’ll explain in brief. Lesilo Rula was a South Africa’s very own horror series from the early ’90s. To many, it is the most terrifying thing we’d ever seen on tv. Lesilo was a Zombie who ‘lived’ in a grave. He could only be summoned by one person, some eye patch wearing dude called Raitlhwana. This guy would blow into this little horn twice and, (come, say it with me) “Lesilo, Lesilo, rula mo baswing mme otle kwano” (Lesilo, Lesilo, rise from the dead and come to me). Lesilo would rock up and do Raitlhwana’s bidding. Mostly suspect undertakings.

Well, my guy, Raitlhwana is a she now. The eye patch is thick mascara and the little horn has an 8-megapixel camera. Your number is often the most dialed. Never to YOUR benefit though. This summoning goes something like this,
“Thabo, my car broke down in the middle of a dark forest
and there are incestuous hillbillies with riffles licking their grimy loose
teeth at me, please come help me!”
“But why don’t you call your boyfriend?”
“He’s sleeping and I don’t want to wake him. Besides, I know you’ll get here
quicker. Pleeeeeease, Thabz :)”

And there rises Lesilo…

Writer: Vus Ngxande       Photographer: Khumbelo Makungo