The Struggles of This Dating Thing. Who Pays The Bill On A Date?

A gentle brother recently asked for the pleasure of my company, I indicated that I’d let him know when I had the capacity and that was that. It came as quite a surprise when one afternoon he rang me and insisted on seeing me that same evening at a place of my liking, so I agreed and chose one of my favourite spots near my office for us to meet. We met, chatted and caught up, I had some nibbles and a couple of drinks at his insistence, nothing hectic, so one can imagine the shock and horror that overcame me when at the end of the evening as the bill arrived he asked that we split the bill. I happily obliged, paid and drove home. It was not until a few days later that I processed the evening and actually realised that a man had asked for MY time, energy and company and then proceeded to have me pay for half.

It got me thinking and sharing with other ladies about modern dating – what a crazy time. I find that the seemingly eligible gents have become lazy and a tad nonchalant when it comes to wooing a lady. We are living in a time when there’s a debate as to who will take the bill when out, I blame Mdu and Mandoza for that ’50-50’ song! We are living in a time when men text and ask women out, not even a phone call, and still haven’t decided where they’d like to take her or they ask a woman to choose and when she does, she runs the risk of him moaning that she has chosen an expensive place (one that she can go to by herself by the way). My absolute favourite? Men want to take women to a loud, chain restaurant in a mall (mostly family restaurants) – how in the world are you going to try and get to know me over a meal when there is loud pop music and a weeping toddler just there?

Perhaps my expectations are too high, perhaps I am too old school, perhaps I’m stuck in an era where gentlemen actually wore real shoes to dinner instead of the latest “kicks” and denims that hang on their bottoms. Perhaps women have become so easy to please, such low hanging fruit that men know for sure that not much effort needs to be made in order to share a woman’s company, thus the high prevalence of situationships and kicking it. I know for sure that comparison is the thief of joy and one should give each gent an opportunity to impress, but honestly, gone are the days of a man booking the best table at the hottest restaurant, or taking you to a magnificent spot he loves and organising the head chef to meet the special lady he’s brought out and prepare a dish especially for the evening. Gone are the days of old school courting and general chivalry, doors are no longer opened for us, intentions are no longer made crystal clear, hell men no longer stand up when a lady enters the room. I went out a few months ago and I was mortified when I entered a place and the gentleman I had come to meet did not even stand when I arrived, let alone introduce me to his company and show me to a seat – I stood there for a bit, shocked and rather unsure as to what to do before I sat and fiddled with my phone!

There’s also the contentious issue of money and affordability. When I shared the story of paying half on that date I was told that it is quite acceptable, maybe the gent’s pockets were not okay. My response is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with indicating that you’re low on the Randelas, I would even suggest staying in until we can afford or actually covering the whole bill. Modern dating is tricky, when a lady likes what she likes, some even refer to them as opportunists who never pay for their own champagne but want to do that when a man is paying. The reality is many upwardly mobile women have the ability to eat and drink whatever pleases them – some men are insulted when a woman offers to pay whilst others won’t even flinch when she pulls out her black card, we want equality right?

I for one will remain old school, I will never understand why I must pay when it’s a man that has asked for MY company. I will also never tire of chivalry and old school charm, I will never ever accept mediocrity and waste my time with these lazy gentle brothers of Jwanasbeke, perhaps there are still many that do make effort when taking a lady out – I have not come across one in a long, long time and as such, I have made an executive life decision to no longer date. Dressing up to giggle and lie with a man is a no. It can no longer be me, I will read, rest, go out with my friends and family and write…no more horror date stories for a while.

Writer: Palesa Motau

  • BurningBMX
    3rd Oct 2017

    LMAO! I am in tears Lou. The dating scene is rough. Strange enough I always thought I am being considerate settling part of the bill for once in my life I fold my hands though the urge to pops now and then. I am not much of a foodie or fine dining person but I enjoyed dressing up to have supper this past weekend.

    Went on a lovely date and was introduced to Santa Lucia by Buika,and it was wrap!

    Que sera sera

    • TheLooz
      3rd Oct 2017

      HAhahahahahaaha I LOVE eating out, I love being taken out and my thing is if we’re gonna split the bill I’d rather do it with a friend who I love and I can gossip with in peace hle.

      • BurningBMX
        3rd Oct 2017

        You have always love the finest things in life and still keep it Maps real.

        • George Matsheke
          3rd Oct 2017

          if i ask you out i should handle the bill, thats my take on this if you cant afford then where are you going

          • TheLooz
            6th Oct 2017

            You’d be surprised what’s going on in the streets of life these days. wehhhhhh

  • Sivu
    14th Oct 2017

    This topic always gets to me!! A colleague was telling me how it’s wrong of me to want to fold my hands when the bill arrives on a first date! I should be showing him that it’s not his money I’m after, APPARENTLY! The onus is on me to prove to him that I’m worthy of a second and third date, AND showing him that I’m here to meet him halfway! It is said that with this I-don’t-pay-on-the-first-date mentality, I won’t get a man- LET ALONE A HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH A WHITE PICKET FENCE!

    I once went out with a guy friend that I had a crush on. We were chatting during the day and I mentioned that I felt like seafood. He said he would pick me up after work and we’d go to Ocean Basket. When the bill arrived, he passed it on to me, indicating that I must have seen that he didn’t have his wallet with him when he got out of the car! 6 years later & this evening still confuses my small mind!

    • George Matsheke
      14th Oct 2017

      here is my thing that always has worked – if I as a guy ask you out that means I have budgeted for the both of us because its nice for me to take you out – if we are together vice versa – because if i am always paying even when you feel like going out, im going to avoid going out with you and that might be based on money or budget.

  • Silindile MaMngadi
    19th Oct 2017

    To be honest sometimes i feel I’m getting to frustrated with the dating scene in this era, Men are really not making any effort, maybe its cos I’m a divorcee and i feel so out of place when men start playing STUPID MIND GAMES.

    why take me out at the first place Buti?

    • George Matsheke
      19th Oct 2017

      I think the older we get the more comfortable we get as men and we have more options as well, younger women make it easer for us to get ass or anything in that matter, we get used to not making effort …

  • Brianrix
    27th Mar 2020

    thank so much for your web site it helps a great deal.

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