“Eish gents, I can’t come watch the match today. I didn’t get my Visa”

“Tjovitjo bafethu! I have my Visa, where’s the party at?”

Aah yes, the almighty powerful Visa. A symbol of momentary freedom and the promise of adventure to the many a men bound by the shackles of a committed relationship.

Ok, ok, maybe not that dramatic, if you are lucky. But you cannot deny the power of a Visa and the joy it can bring to a guy. Let me give you my understanding of a Visa, just so that we are on the same page: A Visa is the permission a woman gives her boyfriend or husband that allows said man to go somewhere, usually with his male friends, or do certain things without her presence. But it can also include excursions that might happen in her presence but without her participation. I also think that the prerequisite is that the couple needs to be living together. But many have been known to have their Visas revoked by a boo living in a different city. If found, please return this mans gonads.

What I find weird is how it has become an unwritten rule that it is the woman who has the authority over the issuing of Visas. Why? Why is the leash on the guy? (DO NOT suffer me the pun, let’s stay friends!) Why is it the guy who needs to get permission. I mean, there you are dude, chilling with your boys. Uknown sister rocks up fresh out of Common’s The light, you step up then, teketaa teketaa teketeketetaa, you are in. Next thing you know, you need to ask for permission from her to be with the very boys who supported you during the arduous tendering process? Haai khona.

I believe the Visa works on a negative but subconscious premise; when a man is with his boys or not with you, they are up to no good. Yes, a Visa means your woman does not trust you. Why? If you are already staying together, meaning you spend most of your time together, then why do you need permission to spend a fraction of that time doing what YOU want to do? As a result, a Visa is a kind of parole gesture. Your woman lets you out as proof of her trust of you. I think that’s where the joy for guys come in, knowing that your woman, though be it temporarily, does trust you. You can let down your try-not-to-cheat guard and just enjoy being with your friends. Retailiation to an outing without a Visa is usually met with a “hamba, uzobona” type of look. Loosely translated it means “go ahead, make my day” or “feeling lucky, punk”, and no dude wants to his woman to go Dirty Harriette on him.

So the Visa is very biased, to say the least. It insinuates a lot of unsavory scenarios. But relationships are 50/50 right? With no party more prone to misconduct or doing the BS than the other. Men lie, women lie, no? So it also begs the question, why do women hold the Visa signing powers. Are we, as men, conceding that women have the moral authority that they can gallop away on their high horse like She-ra? Be a man He-man. By the power of Grey Skull, just for today, give her a Visa to give you head and tea-bag. Thank me later…