My Boyfriend Has A Girlfriend …

They are happy

He makes her sandwiches

She gets to smell his crisp scent, of nourishing nothingness

He gives her neck-kisses in the morning, tells her she is loved, he loves her and wishes her a great day

She gets to take him in

She gets to be filled by him, to be full of him

She gets to absorb to consume to suck to taste to swallow

She does not thirst

She has him

She gets to have him

She gets to wake up with him, to him

She gets calls at midday about the lunch she should have been around to enjoy with him; he would have fed her; let her have his potatoes;

She gets texts in the afternoon about the evening’s plans: will we stay in and cuddle or go out and hold hands?

She has him

 

My boyfriend has a girlfriend and he told me so, matter of factly; slotted in between one meaningless word and more meaningless phrase, he slotted it in

 

my girlfriend…

 

The echo of death

The death of hope; the death of a future

The death of Sundays of oats and green tea in bed

Saturdays of markets and art and the books which we love to read on top of each other and to each other

Mondays of dreaded separation

The death of kids who are delirious with love, raised by a strong woman and kind man, complete children, children who are loved, who are enough

my girlfriend

 

The obliterating echo that says: there is no space for you

There is no space there is no heart there is no love for you and your silliness, your simplicity, your awkwardness

I do not want you

 

my girlfriend

 

The echo which says: no

The echo which says: not you

The echo which says I already have better I already have more I have chosen

I don’t want you

 

My girlfriend

 

I am owned I belong to someone my lips are branded my heart contained; Shezi, stay away.

 

My girlfriend

 

My boyfriend has a girlfriend and I have the million ways in which I have dissected and analysed his every hello

The memory of the time he said: hello stranger and made me feel like he had thought of nothing but me between the last time and this time

I have the billion ways in which my friends have had to describe the way that he looks at me (when he’s not looking); the billion ways they have had to lie, to embellish, to soothe

 

I have the looks which I saw as winks

I have regrets for the time when I gave him cold hugs when inside I was dying to wrap my soul around him

I have the awkward moments when I was insulting instead of warm

I have lost opportunities, when I should have been brave but chose to be proud, chose to be fearful

I have the times when I misunderstood; when I saw more than there was; when I built dreams on misdirected hope

I have the indifference which I thought was interest

I have a collection of wet dainties for every time that he has ever said hello or smiled or looked in my direction

I have wet neck creases and tear-marked cheeks

 

My boyfriend has a girlfriend and I have hopes and wishes and longing and pining and a craving for a taste that I have never had

 

My boyfriend has a girlfriend and I have nothing

because my boyfriend is not even my boyfriend, just someone I thought would be, could be, wanted to be

I have a crush

My boyfriend is a crush

 

Writer: Nonfundo Shezi

 

  • Thabang Mokotla
    2nd Nov 2015

    nice!

  • Yaya
    11th May 2016

    well-written. i enjoyed it.

  • Jenn
    20th Jan 2020

    Beautifully written

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