Moment of Clarity – The Ex Who Is Your Crutch

Through the years you had become my crutch. My coping mechanism. You had even become me. The distinction between you and I became very difficult to make. I remember the time you made me feel like I was the ultimate socialite, only to wake up the next morning looking at the aftermath of the carnage I had caused. The empty bottles strewn across the room, the cigarette butts put out in every empty space, and the strangers I had invited home asleep on the couch. I remember the time you made me feel like I was right with every opinion I uttered, only to realize the pain I had inflicted the week after. The loved ones whose secrets I had betrayed, the good friends whom I had alienated, and the shameful statements that passed my lips – it all caught up with me.

Over time I came to realize what effect you were having on me. Only to go back to you because I felt I could not survive life without you. I forgot who I was before you were around. I lost myself in you completely. You captured my heart and took over my life.

Eventually, the hurt became unbearable. I could not cope with the confusion anymore. The pain I was causing was staring back at me. The guilt started making more frequent appearances. I found myself in a place I did not like. Being around you was no longer enjoyable. Spending time with you was not fun anymore. My dislike for you developed slowly. My disdain for you grew intensely.

My original personality started seeping through as I regained control of my life again. I learnt to distinguish between you and me.

I started regaining this control by re-integrating myself back into my old life. I re-discovered my own likes and dislikes. I became re-acquainted with old friends and cut out the ones who were only around to accommodate you. To my amazement, I did all of this on my own, and in the process lost my fear of living life without you.

As my life moved on without you, so my reasons for having you in it diminished. Why did I need you again? What did you offer to the quality of my life again? Who were you to me again? The answers to these questions were now clear. In the previous months, I would not have been able to answer these questions, too afraid of what the answers might have led to.

The clarity of these answers led me to that moment. That moment of acknowledgement had arrived. That moment where I was to discover the ability to have faith in my decisions. That moment that set me free. The strength that I had underestimated within myself suddenly came through for me to embrace.

So I put pen to tear-stained paper, and I wrote a letter to you. I wrote a letter that would encapsulate all that we had been through. I wrote this letter to tell you that we were over, that that this was my cue. This was my goodbye.

Photographer: Austin Malema

  • BurningBMX
    29th Aug 2017

    [Verse 1: Lupe Fiasco]
    Head to the sky, wings raised and
    She’s about to fly and take her place in
    Out there in the stars when she leaves the ground
    She’ll see a broken heart, if she turns around
    But ain’t no going back, this is how it must be
    He told her she’ll be burned alive, she just told him “trust me”
    If funerals are beautiful, this ugly
    Knowing this, he told her you wouldn’t leave me if you loved me
    And he knows that, because he knows her
    Hard to hide his feelings, as it engulfs her
    Now she’s a bright blaze, light rays
    A shooting out, a phoenix on fire burning up the nightscape
    So lets hear it for our heroine
    Applaud as her spirit just flies into the never-end
    One closed chapter, it opens up another part
    So this is more like the end, question mark

    [Hook:Mos Def]
    Don’t look down, it’s an impossible view
    Fly like an eagle, whatever you do
    Don’t look down, it’s an impossible view
    Spread your wings, aerial

    • George Matsheke
      31st Aug 2017

      Maaan! Love is something else beautiful and yet so ugly …

  • Koenana Mokoena
    4th Jan 2019

    I am a dude who respects people’s decisions, when my girl says it over I would respect her decision. At the same we would rather not be an item if you are a chick who is ambivalent.

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