I remember the first time that I encountered sexual intercourse, I was around nine years old. Ou lady sent me next door to get something, I don’t quite remember what. The guy I was sent to had umkhukhu at the back, I went with a friend of mine and we knocked on the door. He opened the door but only a little bit, looking out with one eye, when he saw it was me and I told him why I was there he opened and let me in.

Inside there was a bunch of guys and the room was dark and smelly. They all looked tense nje. There was a tv in the corner with a vhs machine connected to it. On the screen there was a porn tape that was paused. One of the guys pressed play. Up until that point I had only ever heard of sex, I just remember a woman “crying and screaming”, I had no idea what I was seeing, but to my nine year old mind, “crying and screaming” meant pain. The guys in the room just laughed at us as me and my friend stood there frozen.

Eventually we left and walked, without a word uttered between us. Eventually we spoke and we both agreed that what we saw was sex and, sex was forceful and painful. Basically, sex was rape. All the older guys we grew up with always talked about how you must ‘make her cry’ and you have to do everything you can to inflict as much pain as you can.

When I was around 13 I had a chat with an older cousin of mine and we ended up talking about sex. I told him what my understanding was and I shamefully admitted that I was uncomfortable about ever having sex, I was a virgin, because the idea of hurting someone for pleasure just didn’t make sense to me. He laughed at me and told me it was a bunch of bullshit.

He explained to me that sex was about having fun and mutual pleasure. It explained why girls always liked visiting him, lol. That talk I had with him changed the direction of my life.

Writer: Vus Ngxande